august 10th, 2023

i have a lot on my mind, so i wanted to word vomit it into a blog entry so i can feel better.

even as i begin to type this out, i want to say: i'm happy. it's not a lie that i'm happy. i love my life, i really do. but even loving life, even being happy is a bit bittersweet, especially when i've spent so long not being happy.

all i do is work. and although i like my work, i feel so lonely. i have friends i could hang with, and i feel too paralyzed to hang with them. why? i've never been like this before, so why do i feel like i can't connect with others? there's something inside of me that feels like i don't deserve friends, and i don't understand that nagging feeling.

i'll interact with my loved ones and feel happy, you know? i know my friends care about me. i know i'm on their minds. when they share memes with me, when they go out of their way to make visual novel recommendation lists for me (you know who you are, haha), when people just let me know they're thinking of me. i know i'm loved. and i want to tell them i love them back, i want to be invested in them and connect, but there's this wall in the way.

there's that saying "they're putting up a wall". people put up walls for a variety of reasons, a lot of the time it's fear of getting hurt. but i don't want this wall. i didn't want to build it. i don't want this and i don't know why there's a wall. i mean, imagine waking up to just have a GIANT brick wall blocking your way. imagine that shock. like, what the fuck, where did this come from? that's how i feel right now.

what the fuck is my subconsciousness trying to protect me from?

anyway, boo hoo, right? happy guy surrounded by people that love him feels fucking lonely. happy guy with a job he likes and a room he loves and a loving wife and family is fucking lonely. it's so hard, isn't it? fucking jackass.

it was easier to justify feeling sad when i was unhappy. it was easier to process my emotions back then, i think. because it was like, no shit you're sad, bro. you're in a job you hate and you have no fucking money.

now it's like, what's the excuse for feeling like shit? there isn't one. on the surface, everything feels perfect. i could have everything i want. it almost feels like my brain is making problems for me because it sees that there aren't any. like, oh, something must be wrong if you're this satisfied with life, right?

i don't really know what to do. the obvious solution is to hang out with the people that so clearly love me and want to connect deeper with me. but i just feel so scared of everyone.

i'm sorry, guys