i have hope

august 24th, 2023

if you read my last blog entry, it was pretty unfortunate. i promised my next blog entry would be far more positive. i'm not forcing it either, i am feeling full of love and hope!

i took monday and tuesday to have some mental health days - i just relaxed and played games. but during those days i felt very lonely.

i don't think i am actually lonely, i have plenty of friends and loved ones. but when it comes down to it, there are very few people i feel close to. i don't feel like getting into it or oversharing, but there was a very toxic friendship i was in a couple of years ago that's left me with scars.

i'm so afraid to share my emotions with friends, in fears of "ranting too much" or "using them as a therapist". and those things aren't good, sure, but it is okay to share feelings and emotions to a certain extent. it's normal. friends lean on each other. it's just been hard for me to let myself get close to people. i even have trouble sharing stuff with my roommate sometimes, and he's like a brother to me.

i've kinda gone on a tangent here, but the thing is, i just feel lonely very often.

even if that is not reality, that is my feeling.

but when i stream, i'm so quickly reminded i am not alone.

call it parasocial, after all, that is what it is.

you don't know me personally. you never will. but you have an emotional connection to me. and in turn, i have one with you. it is not a friendship, but it is a form of relationship. it being parasocial does not make it less important - but we do need to recognize it for what it is.

so, consider this my parasocial love letter to you:

i don't know you, but i rely on you. in a way, "you" don't really exist. you're an abstract concept, an amalgamation of so many human lives, morphed together into one entity: "chat".

i care for you, even if i don't know you. i'm happy when you get a new job, when your classes are going well, when you celebrate your birthday. that's real happiness - it's not just hospitality. somewhere in the world, a person is sharing a fraction of their life with me. you don't know me, but the semi-anonymous nature of the chat allows you to share bits of your life with ease.

i'm happy to be a part of your life.

do i comfort you? do i put you at ease on a rough day? do i help you sleep? do i greet you when you wake up? i'm a person, sure, but when the stream is on who do you see?

to me, this is beautiful, but also terrifying.

i try not to put too much pressure on myself. and i know you don't either. but i just want to make you happy. it is my job to make you happy. i want to provide some sort of service for you, enrichment, something.

when i streamed yesterday, i was reminded that i am loved. when i told you all about my bad weekend you listened. i felt very guilty about trying to add some new monetization aspects to my stream, but none of you were upset about it.

after last weekend, i was feeling like my career as an artist and a creator could be over. that was foolish of me to think.

i return home, to the comfort of my room, the comfort of the internet, and so many of you reached out to commission me. so many of you subscribed to my stream, sent bits, just reminded me that i am doing exactly what i need to be.

this is my job. i don't want it to end.

i will keep doing this as long as i can. as long as you'll have me.

thank you for being here. i wish there was a word that meant something more meaningful. a better way to truly express how much this means to me.

to you, you're just giving me a dollar or two. but to me?

you are paying my rent, my bills, my debt, my expenses, bit by bit.

you keep me alive. it's not just a dollar. it means so much to me. you take care of me, chat.

i only hope i'm taking care of you, too.