october 9th, 2023

before i write this, i need you to remember the real me.

i want you to remember the kind part of me before i express thoughts that i personally find vile. i feel revulsion and towards myself when i think these thoughts. i feel angry to have thought this way.

i want to share how i feel though, because i know i'm not the only one that has felt so ugly. these thoughts, although vile, are a part of me. and everyone has their vile thoughts.

please read this and understand me. the real me, the well-adjusted me, does not like these feelings. but they lurk deep down, and i need to get them out.

i am an envious, insatiable fucking monster.

i just can't be satisfied when it comes to my work.

did you know there was a period of time, where i said i would be satisfied if 100 people watched my stream?

now i sit here and wonder why it isn't more. i want to grow more. i want to see my community flourish. i want to bring people together like so many vtubers have.

and if i have to be frank, i don't want to have to struggle with money anymore. i want to make enough to live off of streaming alone.

i think i'm interesting enough, funny enough, talented enough - so what's wrong with me? why don't i reach the same heights as my peers?

i've looked at the data - and i know what i'd need to do to grow. this isn't a problem i can't fix. but i don't know if "fixing" the streaming problem would help.

a lot of streamers that see higher audience levels tend to stream pretty late into the night, until the crack of dawn even. there are so many streamers that are pretty much nocturnal. but me? i'm a day person. i always have been. i'm miserable when i stay up too late!

so, that's out of the question.

a lot of popular vtubers also stream for an extended amount of time - 9 hours a day every day. can i do that? maybe sometimes, but there's no way i could pull it off consistently.

another thing that might help is posting shortform content on youtube, instagram, tiktok - all those websites. but i'm stretched so thin. i draw and stream full time - i barely have time for editing videos.

and i don't have money to hire an editor full time.

and that's where i am. feeling stuck. all the ideas i have just don't work. how do i grow more in my own way?

i want enough popularity and money to be able to hire an editor. i want a whole team. i want to have money to start my own vtuber corporation. i want so much, and i don't know how i'll get there if i don't grow online somehow.

is it wrong of me to want more? i want to be recognized. i want what others have. and it makes me feel disgusted with myself.

i find it difficult to be happy with what i have lately. i am happy. but these thoughts lurk underneath it all.

can you still respect me after reading something like this? maybe others have felt this way, too.

i just think there is no worse emotion than jealousy. i don't like to feel jealous of others. it's just gross. i want to celebrate the success of others instead of being sour about not being at the same level. maybe someone is jealous of my success, too.

i'm going to keep trying every plan and scheme i can cook up until there's nothing left of me to give.