october 5th, 2024

well, it's been a while, and boy do i have some interesting news! i don't really know (or care) if people read this, but if you do, i hope it helps you in some way.

i'm 30 years old. freshly 30 years old. and i think at some point i thought to myself "you know, i feel confident in who i am". i felt like i spent a lot of my 20's discovering myself, learning, growing, and here i am at age 30, knowing who i am.

what a joke.

let me preface with saying the following: my journey is mine and mine alone. i'm not a spokesperson for all trans people or whatever. this is just what my experience is. i don't really want to answer questions regarding my gender or sexual orientation, but read this journey and let it sink in. i'm just a drop in a bucket; one expereince among thousands. i hope this can do something for someone by sharing my experience, but at the same time i owe nobody this story.

still, i want to tell it.

in 2016, when i was 22 years old, i started using they/them pronouns and going by the name "jay"

i also started presenting a little more masculine: i cut my hair short for the first time EVER in my life, and was experimenting with more masculine clothes. doing those things gave me gender euphoria.

i spent many years identifying as transmasc, and officially started testosterone in 2018.

i was on testosterone for 5 years.

i think at first, i started feeling like i had to present more masc than i really was deep down. i wanted to "pass" so badly at first. i would bind my chest, dress like a guy, do all the shit to be seen as a guy by society at large. and after a year or two on T, i was passing, people would see me and "sir" me.

for a while, that was what i wanted, and that was what i needed.

the thought of top surgery crossed my mind, but i never felt like i truly "needed" it. because despite being transmasc, i was still nonbinary.

i've always been nonbinary.

about a year ago (or maybe more like 9 months, i'm not really counting) i stopped taking my testosterone. for what reason? i don't know. just didn't feel right anymore.

i started experimenting with dressing more feminine again. grew out my hair. and soon, i started to like being perceived as a "girl" again. i put girl in quotes, because the word "woman" never felt right for me. i can't really explain why.

point is, my relationship with gender has always been a little weird. let me make a few things so FUCKING clear:

NO i did not de-transition. any TERFs thinking that can actually eat shit and die.

NO i do not regret taking testosterone. i am happy with all the permanent changes from it. once again, TERFs please eat shit.

YES i am still transmasculine. because being transmasc does not equal being binary. truscum please eat shit and die!

recently, i've done some reading, reflecting, and chatting, and i've discovered drumroll please...

I'M A NONBINARY LESBIAN!

yup yup yup. everybody clap. uh huh. good stuff.

identifying as a lesbian has freed me in a way i didn't know i needed. i've always, for the most part, felt deeply uncomfortable over the idea of having sex with/being intimate with cis men.

for a long time i chalked it up to me just being T4T (which i still am lol), but now i'm like oh.

so yeah. i'm a nonbinary lesbian. and this term feels correct right now. will it change in the future? maybe. who fucking cares.

we're just using stupid little words and phrases to try and simplify complicated and nuanced topics.

i wanted to share this, because i felt shame in "changing" my identity at first. but i've always been me, man. i just found a combination of words that helped me sleep better at night.

i want anyone to know that's reading not to be scared. it's okay to change. thought i had shit figured out about myself at age 30. i didn't.

everything is okay. chase your happiness. no matter what.